I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
