You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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