just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
