At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
