Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
