my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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