i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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