I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
