9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
