I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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