I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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