your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
