guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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