I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
