I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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