i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
