The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
