True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
