Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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