it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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