All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
