I wish you could order shots online.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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