I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
