I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
