I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
