watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
