Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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