Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
