true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
