He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
