last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
