I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
