he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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