How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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