I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
