How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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