No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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