wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
