Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
