i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
