That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
