i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
