The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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