I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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