I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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