it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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