4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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