I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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