recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
