i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
