His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
smell my finger.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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