you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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