I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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