the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
