I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
