So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
