totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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