I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
