Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
