Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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