the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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