hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
