You're completely useless in the revolution.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
