Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
