is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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