everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
