Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
