I wish my penis had an off switch
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
