y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
